Kerry Morrison, Seagull Eugenicist to the Stars

An angry Hollywood seagull, condemned by Kerry Morrison to shoot blanks.
An angry Hollywood seagull, condemned by Kerry Morrison to shoot blanks.
Sometimes we just have to share the weirdness, even if we don’t have the first freaking clue what it means. And, as our faithful readers can attest, there seems to be no real limit to how weird the weirdness can get. Seagull eugenics right here in Hollywood, courtesy of Ms. Kerry Morrison? Why, yes! While grepping around in the Andrews International BID Patrol daily activity logs looking for evidence of another matter entirely,1 we were amazed to come across the following information from November 11, 2014:

IT IS OUR UNDERSTANDING THAT KERRY HAS TRIED TO ERADICATE THE SEAGULLS IN THE HOLLYWOOD AREA BY HIRING AN EXTERMINATOR THAT FED THE SEAGULLS A FORMULA THAT SUPPOSEDLY STERILIZED THE BIRDS.

(See the whole story after the break). There is more discussion of seagulls in a footbeat log from November 12, 2014, including a proposed attempt to fight seagull feeding in Hollywood via restraining orders. However, in the entire nine year span of A/I BID Patrol daily activity logs, these two items are the only mention of seagulls in any context whatsoever. What does it mean? We couldn’t begin to explain. But we will speculate that Kerry Morrison is highly but secretly disappointed that she can’t use the same kind of methods on the human objects of her disdain, such as the street characters at Hollywood and Highland.2 We will also note that forced sterilization of her avian targets is a laudably peaceable solution for the well-armed Ms. Morrison.


CONTACT: 1634 N. ARGYLE IN THE PARKING LOT. OFFICERS OBSERVED A FEMALE (F / W / 45-55 YRS / CONVERSANTLY DRESSED / BLOND HAIR) ENTER THE PARKING LOT, PULLING A HAND CART. SHE STOPPED IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS LARGE LOT AND OPENED ONE OF THREE BAGS IN THE CART. SHE BEGAN SPREADING THE CONTENTS AROUND IN THE PARKING LOT (PRESUMABLY BIRDSEED). WITHIN SECONDS A THOUSAND SEAGULLS DESCENDED ON THE BIRDSEED. THE SUBJECT OPENED TWO ADDITIONAL BAGS (10 POUNDERS) AND SPREAD THEM ALSO. A SECOND WAVE OF SEAGULLS DESCENDED. SUBJECT THEN SPREAD THE THIRD BAG. AFTER THE BIRDSEED WAS SPREAD, THE SUBJECT PRODUCED SEVERAL LOAVES OF BREAD AND TORE THE BREAD UP, SCATTERING IT ON THE ASPHALT. PROBABLY EVERY SEAGULL IN HOLLYWOOD WAS THERE. OFFICERS DECIDED TO LEAVE AND STARTED DRIVING AROUND THE OUTER FRINGES OF THE SEAGULLS. THIS CAUSED SOME OF THE BIRDS TO FLY UP. THE SUBJECT STARTED RUNNING AT OFFICERS WHO WERE TRAVELING ABOUT 3-5 MPH. THE SUBJECT STARTED SCREAMING HYSTERICALLY AT OFFICERS ABOUT TRYING TO KILL HER BIRDS. OFFICERS DROVE AWAY, NOT WANTING TO ENGAGE THIS WOMAN IN CONVERSATION. IT IS OUR UNDERSTANDING THAT KERRY HAS TRIED TO ERADICATE THE SEAGULLS IN THE HOLLYWOOD AREA BY HIRING AN EXTERMINATOR THAT FED THE SEAGULLS A FORMULA THAT SUPPOSEDLY STERILIZED THE BIRDS. THIS UNK FEMALE OBVIOUSLY LIKES SEAGULLS AND IS AT THE OPPOSITE END OF THE SPECTRUM OF THIS ISSUE.


Image of California Gull is freely licensed per Wikimedia, which is where we got it.

  1. You’ll be hearing a lot more about this at some point.
  2. Although we’d guess that a guy who makes a living dressing as Barney and posing with tourists has a pretty low chance of successful reproduction even without being fed a formula by an exterminator. Unless it’s with one of his costumed colleagues, we suppose, as birds of a feather may do more than just flock together. Can you imagine a Snow White/Barney hybrid? Where’s freaking Ed Wood when you need him?
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