What are all those green-shirted thugs on bikes up to over in the Hollywood Media District? Well, if you ask their overlords, their “activities are designed to respond to needs that in some areas are based primarily on perception, and in other areas based on the reality of crime and intimidating street populations.”

Now, we could expend many an electron on the exegesis of this blather, but it’s far off today’s subject, so we’ll just briefly restate: They’re out there to look good and to chase off people who scare rich white people. But what is anyone do to when they themselves are part of the “intimidating street populations?” Read on for details!

We recently obtained copies of four employee statements from Universal Protection Services describing a screaming fight about bathroom breaks between BID bike patrol officers at the Seven-Eleven at Santa Monica and Las Palmas on June 9, 2014. You can read the entire thing here, which we recommend if you’re interested, because we’ll only be able to mock a small portion in this post, but that don’t mean the rest ain’t worth mocking! The story that emerges is one of four employees of Universal Protection Service, the Media District BID’s security provider, screaming obscenitites at one another on a public street and almost coming to blows. How’s that for “activities … that … are based primarily on perception?”

The first witness is Jose Reyes Pacheco Jr., Safety Bike Officer:

I, Jose Reyes Pacheco Jr., am making this statement to Universal Protection Service. Today’s date is 6-14-12. Officer Scott and I were clear for our 15 minute break on 6-9-12 at approximately 0700 hrs. I told officer Scott to call out us heading to 6701 S. Monica (7 Eleven) for a restroom break. Before we got there from across the street I noticed Cpl. Sandate upset raising his hands up in the air. As the light turned green Officer Scott and I arrived at the location stated above and Cpl. Sandate rudely asked us what are we doing here? I replied that I needed to use the restroom quickly and he told me that everytime I need to use the restroom I got to ask him for permission. At that point I felt he was in the wrong and just entered the business to use the restroom. As I came outside I then told him that I felt that him being in the restroom all shift wasn’t right and that he shouldn’t be asleep all shift he got mad and told me if I wanted him to send me home for questioning [sic]. Him what he is doing [sic] I felt disrespected and told him that I haven’t broken any policies so to send me home. We then exchanged curse words and I broke from location before anything else escalated.

Now, we’ve written before about the hypocritical attitude of the BIDs regarding public urination. They use their political power to exclude public toilets from the streets of Hollywood. They arrest dozens of people a year for pissing in the streets. They do worse, much worse, than force people to ask permission before they piss. And yet Jose Pacheco, part of this vast oppressive security apparatus, can, evidently, only feel how degrading this is when it happens to him personally. This, of course, is typical for the minions of totalitarianism. Even more ironic, the Media BID green-shirted thugs have tried their level best on occasion to have crazy people arrested for making unbelievable threats. It turns out that that making threats is just exactly what Pacheco ended up doing here:

On Saturday, 6-9-12, at approximately 0703 hours, myself [sic] and officer Bratcher were at 6701 Santa Monica 7-11, for our final 15 minute break. Upon arrival I noticed officer Scott & Pacheco on the southwest corner of Santa Monica & Las Palmas. I instructed both line officers to remain in zone 5 while myself & Bratcher remained in zone 4. When asked why they broke from their zone, officer Pacheco replied he needed to use the restroom. I instructed Pacheco he needed to notify me next time if he was going to break from his assigned zone. At this point Pacheco appeared defensive, asking why he needed to do so and stated, ‘why do I need permission to use the restroom,” and also mentioned that it was ‘bullshit.’ After using the restroom, Officer Pacheco came back stating, “I don’t appreciate you putting me on blast especially when your [sic] in the office.’ I stated to Pacheco it was not his job to be concerned with me or what I do as a supervisor. Pacheco then stated to me, ‘don’t concern yourself with what I do!’ At this point I was instructing Pacheco it was my job as a supervisor to concern myself with my line officers. At this point Officer Bratcher got between myself and Pacheco to calm down the situation. I then instructed several times [sic] for Scott and Pacheco to return to zone 5. Pacheco continued to make comments at which point I asked him if he wanted to continue working or go home, as his conduct was unbecoming. Officer Pacheco stated for me to send him home. I then replied for him [sic] to return to his zone. By this point Officer Pacheco then made the statement “I’ll knock you down!,” [sic] threating to hit me I again instructed both Pacheco & Scott to return to zone 5. –Patrick Sandate

So according to Sandate, it’s his job as supervisor to control where and when his “line officers” piss. According to Pacheco, this is so humiliating that he threatens physical violence against his supervisor. The sad thing is that Pacheco’s right, it is humiliating. It’s dehumanizing. I hope he took this as a lesson about how he earns his living, telling the homeless where and when they can piss. Sandate backed down from his threat to send Pacheco home for this incident, but even if that would have been worse for Pacheco’s budget, it would have been better for his soul. Better yet, they could have all gone home, all four of them, rather than standing on the street, armed with lethal batons, screaming threats and having to be physically separated to prevent battery. They claim to protect the world from “the reality of …intimidating street populations”, but the solution is evidently worse than the problem.

Image of UPS bike bullies is ©2014 MichaelKohlhaas.org. Seven Eleven logo is, according to the wonks at Wikimedia, not subject to copyright. It’s obviously a protected trademark, and this is as obviously not an infringing use. Suck on that, innaleckshal propitty lawyers! The etching of the lady pissing is 17th century Dutch, artist unknown, public domain, available via Wikimedia.