It’s been a while since last we focused on Big Bad Steve Seyler, bogusly bad-ass boss of Hollywood’s own bitchin’ BID Patrol. Let’s get back to work with a smokin’ little number known as BID SUMMARY 3-2-15-3-29-15.pdf. This is one of the huge collection of Seyler reports that our faithful correspondent has obtained for us over the years.

Anyway, we can’t describe the situation on the Boulevard on March 7, 2015 any better than the Big Kahuna himself can do. Read well!:

On 3-7-15, our bike officers were on patrol at 6801 Hollywood Blvd. A large group of self-proclaimed anarchists were screaming and drawing all over the sidewalks with chalk. The group approached our officers and did their best to provoke them. Our officers showed great restraint and even backed into the street in order to avoid a confrontation. We called the LAPD. One of the people shoved one of our officers and then fled the scene as the LAPD arrived. A young marine stepped forward and commended our officer’s [sic] for their restraint. He also offered to be a witness regarding the anarchist’s actions if that was needed.

You should read the rest of the report for more mockable goodness and rapport-building in the inimitable style of the great Seyler hisself, but this is all we have time to mock tonight, so read on!

Crazy, innit! Attack of the anarchists on Hollywood Blvd.! Screaming anarchists, no less! And, don’t forget, they were self-proclaimed! We mean, we always thought that anarchists kind of had to be self-proclaimed by definition, because really, is there gonna be a central office for the proclamation of anarchist-status? It doesn’t seem consistent, does it? But perhaps there is such a thing as an official anarchist and we just figured wrong. Wouldn’t be the first time.

And they’re drawing all over the sidewalks with chalk! And shoving officers! And the officers don’t shoot them, or even handcuff them and haul them off to get chained to the BID Patrol Bench! Why not, given that shoving someone is actually a real-life crime known as battery. Our guess? They didn’t arrest the self-proclaimed screaming chalk-drawing battering anarchists because (a) they’re not homeless, so the BID Patrol isn’t paid to arrest them, or (b) they were scared of the big bad anarchists, or (c) they don’t even remember how to arrest people for real crimes anymore because they’ve spent too long arresting people for made-up bullshit, or (d) all of the above?!

And to cap it all off, a young marine stepped forward! And, commending as he came, heedless of randomly misplaced apostrophes and all, he bestowed his blessing upon the bogusly bad-ass boys of the BID Patrol! That’s all for tonight, kids.

Picture of Steve Seyler is from a public record, therefore public domain. Picture of Marine Corps guy attacking cake is public domain for the usual gummint reasons. Where did we get it? So glad you asked! It was from Flickr. Picture of chalk drawing is released under the CC BY-NC-ND 2.0 by its creator, Victoria Pickering, and we got it from her Flickr stream.