With recent events in this country¹ reinvigorating the national debate over gun control, we thought it was an opportune time to present this singularly weird email from Hollywood Property Owners Alliance Executive Director Kerry Morrison to the members of the Joint Security Committee inviting them to join her out at the Andrews International Training Center in Burbank to try out the Firearms Training Simulator, pop off a few rounds at the shooting range, and eat some sandwiches provided by Andrews International catering director and senior vice president Bill Farrar.

According to Kerry Morrison, she’s gone out there to shoot multiple times, and evidently wants to share this “very humbling” experience with her compatriots on the Joint Security Committee.² We know it sounds made up, but the text does not lie, friends:

For some time we’ve promised you an opportunity to visit the Andrews International training facility in Burbank where they have a shooting range and a FATS simulator. FATS stands for Fire Arms Training Simulator, and it presents a realistic training experience. I’ve tried this a couple times and it is very humbling and helps us all appreciate the split second judgements that must be made by law enforcement.

If any of you would like to participate, we are going to venture up to their facility next Wednesday, February 19 at 11 a.m. Bill Farrar will bring in sandwiches and everyone will have an opportunity to experience both FATS and the shooting range, if you would like. We should be ready to return to Hollywood by 1:30-2 pm.

Please RSVP to me by Monday afternoon so we can plan for food. I will also send out address and parking instructions next week.

Best regards, and have a great weekend,
Kerry

You can get an idea of what this FATS thing is like by watching this video made by the Pasadena PD. In particular, according to the training officer:

There are several different weapons that the officers can use. We like to match…each officer here at the department uses different weapons, or is assigned a different weapon of their choosing. The system allows us to use each and every weapon, such as Glocks, or Sigs, or 1911s. Even rifles, shotguns, tasers, we’re able to use them all through the system.

And what kind of situations does the Pasadena PD play out on its FATS? We’re glad you asked. According to the training officer: “Everyday scenarios such as encountering a transient at the park…” That certainly ought to be a popular one with the Joint Security Committee, which is famous for its rants about whiny liberals who prevent the police from beating and killing the homeless or about how scary the homeless are and how the BID Patrol has to be meaner to them. What better group to take a field trip out to beautiful downtown Burbank to play a video game where you win by shooting “a transient in the park”?

This is pretty weird, and pretty disturbing, both abstractly and, concretely, to members of the public who attend the Board meetings of these jokers or have to visit their office to inspect public records but may not be aware that they go out and shoot both real and simulated guns as part of some kind of creepy zillionaire bonding ritual. However, it’s in no way the end of the surreal gun-fetishism of the HPOA and its BID Patrol. Read here about BID Patrol officer Courtney Kanagi (badge #130) at the Hollywood Farmers’ Market last summer. We actually can’t think of any way to mock this jive that would be more mocking than just laying it on you verbatim:

I noticed the pink handgrips on his partner’s bike. So he called her over, and fellow BID security officer Cortney [sic] Kanagi was happy to show us her matching pink handcuffs and the pink grip on her handgun.

Proof that you can be feminine while riding a bike.

Or subduing a suspect.

There’s really nothing left to say after that.

Image of Kerry Morrison is a public record. Image of Bill Farrar is ©2016 MichaelKohlhaas.org. Image of Courtney Kanagi is deep-linked to.

1. We don’t care much for euphemism around here, but a wise woman of our acquaintance uses phrases like this to refer to mass shootings, so we’re following suit for the sake of being simpático.
2. Who, God knows, could use some humility.