Are You Reimagining Public Safety? — Well The Cops Are Too — And They Have Some Very Active Imaginations! — Get Every City Employee A Concealed Carry Permit! — So Strefan Fauble Can Take A Shot At You If You Get Off Topic — Or Joey Buckets Plinking Out Lights In The John Ferraro Council Chambers — Developer Doesn’t Pay Bribes On Time? — Blammo!!! — And Cameras At Every Major Intersection! — And Hire Better Lawyers To Defend Killer Cops Because We Keep Losing! — And Stop Calling Us Killer Cops! — Cause It Hurts Us In The Feelz! — Let’s Stop Protecting The Mayor! — And So On!!

Ever wonder how LAPD Officers might reimagine public safety? Well, wonder no longer. Behold the absolutely freaking bonkers results of a survey they did this Summer asking that very question! And right at the top it says that a bunch of suggestions they got were illegal, so they omitted them, leading Police Commissioner Dale Bonner asked his staff what those omitted illegal suggestions might have been.

This, in turn, led notorious criminal lawyer Lizabeth Rhodes to write to him a whole-ass memorandum explaining how criminal cops want to reimagine public safety by arming the City Council and other equally bonkers ideas. The most bonkers of a thoroughly bonkers bunch. This form of reimagining public safety is a stone cold bonkers paradigm shift.

Just for instance, your LAPD officers want to reenvision your public safety by Start with allowing City employees to apply for CCW permits. Can you even imagine? Public comment is hard enough in Los Angeles without having to worry about Joey Buckets shooting you because he doesn’t care for your attitude. Other stunners are:

🜃 We need to have our elected officials and command staff to put an end to false claims that law enforcement are “killers” or responsible for murdering people of color at genocidal rates Our “leaders” are allowing false claims to go out over the airways and to be fed into the public consciousness without a public rebuttal. — Uh … right. Wouldn’t it just be easier to stop murdering people of color at genocidal rates? Nah…

🜃 We should stop providing protection details to the Mayor or other special interests including Council members. — If they don’t lick our boots happily, suck greedily upon our stinky little toes, we should stop … um … do these cops realize who they work for? How exactly do they expect this might work?

🜄 Stop paying bogus lawsuits to citizens; hire better attorneys to defend officers. — City lawyers are actually pretty competent in my experience. The trouble is that the cops are indefensible, so if they’re not getting good defenses it’s probably due to that fact rather than the quality of the Deputy City Attorneys involved. Again, maybe think about not murdering, raping, maiming, beating, framing, and illegally detaining people? Too hard? Find another job?

🜅 Let LA residents carry guns to protect themselves. — How about no, let’s not do this. You think five homeless people dying a day is a lot? Let’s arm murderer’s row out in CD12, shall we?

🜆 Modify the City Charter to allow the LAPD to charge revenue-generating fees. — Great plan! This worked out really well in Missouri, so let’s try it here! Or maybe they mean something else, but what? Maybe protection money? After all, they want to stop protecting the Mayor because he said something that hurt their feelings, but maybe for some cash money they could make sure nothing happened to the guy. Be a shame if it did, wouldn’t it?

🜇 Require Police Commissioners to attend the 10-day citizen’s academy. — Whatever. Those citizens’ academies are nothing but pernicious propaganda. You have to apply to get into them, so no one normal is allowed to attend. We need an elected police commission, and we need it now.

🜈 Have the Police Commissioners use the FOS machine. — This is the Force Option Simulator. It’s a video game where you have to decide whether to shoot someone or not. Cops think this is like a rite of passage and no one who hasn’t done it is allowed to have an opinion about cops and if they have done it and still don’t worship cops as Gods then they didn’t do it right and need to try again before they can have an opinion.

🜉 The Chief of Police should not be appointed by the Mayor, but rather be an elected position. — You know, like the County Sheriff. Because that’s working so well.

🜊 Install cameras at all major intersections to assist in crime investigations. — The minor ones too. Also inside everyone’s house. Or tent. If they don’t have a house or a tent they should have a bodycam. Simple.

OK, I know. It’s easy to mock. But that doesn’t make it any less important to mock. And don’t forget that these are the suggestions that Lizabeth Rhodes said were deemed too freaking cuckoo to put in the final report. But that doesn’t mean the ones in the report aren’t cuckoo too. In fact, some of the ones that Lizabeth Rhodes said were too freaking cuckoo to go into the report are in fact in the report, like the one about the cameras. But some are sensible. Like e.g. the cops want to stop dealing with encampment sweeps also. Something we all agree one! Anyway, it’s forty pages, so you’ll have to read it yourself, but it is definitely worth reading.

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