Friends, in my role as investigative journalist I put myself in a lot of dangerous situations for the sake of finding out and publishing the truth. But TBH, the most frightened I ever am in this job is when a story takes me down to the mean streets of South Central Hollywood. There’s no scarier place in this City, friends.

Just for instance, starvation is evidently rampant in this racially segregated food desert, as evidenced by the fact that I regularly see adult human beings weighing less than 90 pounds, running through the streets in what appears to the trained anthropological eye to be sheer terror. The fact that they’re mostly women just goes to show that the patriarchal social norms prevalent in South Central Hollywood lead the men to withhold scarce and expensive food from their females, whom they see purely as chattels.

And I’m not kidding about scarce and expensive. Last time I foraged for food in South Central Hollywood I ended up being charged $22.95 for a California Roll, something which can be obtained in more fortunate parts of the City for about $3. And it only had six slices! It’s well-known, of course, that hunger brings on the kind of hopelessness that makes people with nothing to lose, no future that they can see, attack randomly. So I’m always cautious in South Central Hollywood! But nothing can keep me from reporting the truth.

You may recall that on Friday I discovered that, for the first time in their long lawless history, the Larchmont Village BID was going to try to comply with the Brown Act by noticing their meetings as required by law. So I thought I’d better run out to the South Central Hollywood “‘Hood”¹ and investigate. Turn the page for the rest of the story!

Of course I was careful to wear neutral colors. You know how touchy those people are about colors. For instance, wear earth tones, and they’ll assume you’re kicking it with the Natcherl Mommaz, and then their rivals, the Botox Babeez, will kick your ass. Wear all black and they’ll assume you’re with the Edgy Artzy Boyz and their rivals, the Hip Capitalizzles will do the kicking. Wear a blue dress shirt and black polyester slacks and you’re with the Scientologists and everyone will beat you. It’s a minefield out there for the uninformed, friends!

And the point of the story? Well, there’s not much to it. I went over to 200 N. Larchmont and, behold! They did have their agenda posted in the window for all to see. This, of course, is a tangible symbol of the deep, deep shame they must be feeling at having been forced to comply with the law. That they were also forced to display this symbol of their submission is salt-and-straw in wounds, friends. But their homies, milling around on the streets in front of the BID’s headquarters, stuck closely to ‘Hood etiquette and pretended not to notice anything. At least they have that.

1. As those people refer to their neighborhood, or so I am informed by every TV show ever.